1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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