Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I feel great
I just peed on a car
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
