You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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