I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
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I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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