I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
