every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
love makes seman taste better
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
