peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
