I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
