And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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