I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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