I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
