Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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