And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
