how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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