i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
