Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
