have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
