I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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