GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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