Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Randomize
