theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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