I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
