we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
