Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
