Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
And then my night got REAL pukey
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Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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