Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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