You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
