nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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