it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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