1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
