He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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