Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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