Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
