Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
