Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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