made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
