i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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