Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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