Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
