I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
