My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
