I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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