when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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