that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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