did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
