You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
