i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
