dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
