Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
