girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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