you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
