Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
