you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
