By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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