This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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