So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
