I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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