I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Actions speak louder than pants.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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